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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23045665">I'll Show You The Stars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theyna_Shipper/pseuds/Theyna_Shipper'>Theyna_Shipper</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, Ben is also confused, Ben loves cooking, Ben tries to be a space jock but he's just a space nerd, Ben wants to help, Bisexual Ben Solo, Depressed Rey, Did I mention the unrequited love, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Grey Jedi, I don't know enough about Star Wars to be writing this fic, Idiots in Love, In a world where Kylo Ren and the First Order never happened, Luke is kind of a garbage teacher, Millenium Falcon, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Padawan Rey, Pilot Ben Solo, Pining, Really just one idiot, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey is confused, Rey loves eating, Slow Burn, Smitten Ben, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, a little mutual pining, but there's a lot of steps on that path, canonverse, oblivious Rey, of course, reylo is endgame</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:14:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,010</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23045665</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theyna_Shipper/pseuds/Theyna_Shipper</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey has been a padawan at Luke's Jedi Temple since she was 15. But after an accident, in which Rey almost kills another student, she is sent away, back to Jakku. </p>
<p>Ben Solo, Luke's pilot nephew, is asked to take the girl away. But he can't bring himself to leave her on Jakku, and instead takes her on as his co-pilot. He just didn't plan on falling in love with her. </p>
<p>Ben couldn't be a Jedi because he was too passionate, Rey because she was too volatile. Together, they're a ticking time bomb of unbalanced emotion and strength in the Force. As Rey grows curious about her past, and as her past grows curious about Rey, they are forced to explore the delicate balance between dark and light, and what exists in the Force beyond anyone's control.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Background finnpoe, Rey/Ben Solo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>79</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>119</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thanks for reading! Feedback always appreciated. This fic will start light but get darker rapidly. Please enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time Ben Solo meets Rey, he barely remembers her, because he’s twenty-five, and self-absorbed, and too busy flirting with Poe Dameron, and being a goth scoundrel, to talk to Uncle Luke’s new student. </p>
<p>The first time Rey meets Ben, she doesn’t even look twice at him, because she’s sixteen, and bright-eyed, and too busy having fun, and being with friends, to talk to Master Skywalker’s moody nephew. </p>
<p>He doesn’t think of her once over the next three years. </p>
<p>But then he gets a transmission from his family, saying that there was an accident, and Rey (<i>did he remember her? Probably not</i>) was going to be taken off planet, could he do it?</p>
<p>She doesn’t even remember him when she doesn’t see him again.  </p>
<p>But then the accident happens, and <i>We’ll have Ben come take her</i>, and the quiet pilot returns to Coruscant. </p>
<p>***********</p>
<p>Ben is filled in on the details when he lands. Rey was practicing sparring with one of the other padawans, when she lost control, and channeled powers no one knew she had. </p>
<p>“Force lightning,” Leia says. “<i>His</i> Force lightning.”</p>
<p>Finn would be fine, eventually. Some mild scarring on his arms. But Rey was dangerous, and her training could not continue. </p>
<p>“You don’t think it would be better to teach her how to control it?” Ben asks. “She didn’t do anything wrong.”</p>
<p>Luke shakes his head. “I can’t teach her.” But when Ben had felt the darkness calling him, he’d received little more help from Luke. So really, what should he be expecting? </p>
<p>Rey is not the playful girl he had been reminded of. She is older, quiet, and wears a pair of dark gloves. Electricity-absorbing. A small bag is at her side- everything she is going to take with her to Jakku. </p>
<p>It’s disgusting, he thinks, the way they are casting her out. But what can he do? </p>
<p>Once they are out on the Falcon and out of the system, Ben puts the ship on autopilot and goes to check on her. But how are you supposed to make small talk with someone you’re supposed to exile?</p>
<p>“Hey,” he says. </p>
<p>“Hey.”</p>
<p>“So- you grew up on Jakku?”</p>
<p>“Since I was really little. I scavenged for a living. Always have. Never knew my parents.” She pauses. “You got business there?”</p>
<p>He nods. “I’m picking up some scrap to take off planet, shuttle it to a buyer.” </p>
<p>She nods. “I’m Rey, by the way.”</p>
<p>“Ben.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>There’s an awkward pause. “Just Rey? No family name?”</p>
<p>“Never knew my parents.”</p>
<p>He leaves her alone. It seems wrong, to treat her like the <i>cargo</i> he’s usually carrying. His conscience prickles for the rest of the flight. </p>
<p>They touch down on the desert planet. </p>
<p>“So… this it? You just leave me here?” Rey asks. She doesn’t sound angry. Just sad, and resigned. </p>
<p>“That’s what I’m supposed to do,” he mutters. She nods, hitches her bag on her shoulder, and turns to leave. “But I won’t,” he calls after. She looks back in surprise. “It’s cruel, to leave anyone in exile on Jakku. They’re treating you like garbage.”</p>
<p>“Ben, you don’t have to-”</p>
<p>“I need a co-pilot.” It’s true. He’s automated some of the co-pilot features, but the Falcon is designed to be flown by two. “You know how to fly and fix a ship?”</p>
<p>“Yes, but-”</p>
<p>“Perfect.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want charity,” Rey says. </p>
<p>“This isn’t,” he insists. “I <i>need</i> a co-pilot. And you’re right here.”</p>
<p>“I’m dangerous,” she insists. “I shouldn’t be around people.”</p>
<p>“Jedi training screws you up pretty good, huh?” he mutters. Rey looks confused. “You’ll be fine. I can take care of myself. Those gloves seem to keep the- stuff- in. And it should only come out under pressure. Which, hopefully, there won’t be too much of?”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Positive. No one needs to know. I never go to Coruscant, anyways.” </p>
<p>So they finish his business on Jakku, and he brings her back onto the Falcon “Welcome aboard.” He extends his hand. Rey doesn’t shake it, but smiles at him. </p>
<p>“Thanks, Solo.” </p>
<p>“Ben. Just Ben." </p>
<p>She smiles. "OK, Ben."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The two quietly bond on the Falcon.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The first chapter was very short, but I am trying to write longer chapters now. Please enjoy!</p>
<p>(feat. Ben's princess hair)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey is grateful, to be able to fly, to be spared exile on Jakku, and does everything she can to help Ben. But she’s not shy or subservient. She teases and plays and generally has fun. Some of it is covering for her fear and hesitance, her displacement. But Ben can tell, Rey is a naturally happy person. </p>
<p>They spend the next couple months getting comfortable around each other. </p>
<p>************</p>
<p>The first night she’s on the Falcon, she just studies it. The layout, the controls, even the wiring. She’s fascinated. Ben can see the confusion and awe in her eyes, as any mechanic would have upon seeing the gorgeous disaster that was the Falcon. He can’t help but notice one of the beads in her braid indicating a specialty in mechanics. </p>
<p>He finds her holed up in a side room, reading a manual, eating a ration bar. </p>
<p>“I, um, made dinner.” Ben has never been confident in his ability to talk to people. </p>
<p>She looks up. “You can <i>cook?</i>”</p>
<p>“Why is that so surprising?” </p>
<p>She shrugs. “Not something you’d expect in a skill pilot’s arsenal, is all. But I guess that explains why there’s a kitchenette on a smuggler’s ship. But if you only transport approved cargo, why do you have a smuggler’s ship?” She, at least, can talk. </p>
<p>“My father’s. A few years ago, he decided he was too old to fly and gave it to me.”</p>
<p>“I met your father.” She cocks her head. “He seemed nice. Didn’t get much of a chance to talk.”</p>
<p>Ben nods, unsure how to respond. “You want food?”</p>
<p>“What kind of question is that?” She puts down the manual and wraps up the ration bar.</p>
<p>“By the way, don’t bother with the manuals you find here,” he advises. “The Falcon doesn’t operate under any known laws of flight or mechanics.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure I’ll figure her out,” Rey says confidently. “Manual or no.”</p>
<p>“If you do, let me know,” he says with a snort.</p>
<p>************</p>
<p>He sees Rey cut her hair, with a knife, in a bathroom mirror. First, she ruthlessly slices off her padawan braid, letting it fall to the ground. The clay beads come off, and Rey crushes them into powder under the heel of her boot. </p>
<p><i>This</i> surprises him. He, too, had ditched the braid quickly, but in a moment of sentiment, had kept the beads, sewn into a pouch. Rey destroys them, and the associated memories. </p>
<p>Then she gathers the rest of her hair into a messy braid and cuts it off below the ears. What remains falls into a choppy, messy pageboy around her chin. She shoves the cut-off hair into a pocket. </p>
<p>Rey looks up at him, sees that he saw, and shakes her head quickly, letting the cut ends slap her cheeks. “Seemed more practical.” </p>
<p>He nods. “Probably.”</p>
<p>***********</p>
<p>Rey is carrying two mugs of caf, and hands one to him. “Thanks,” he says. “I could have made caf.”</p>
<p>“Yes, but yours is terrible,” Rey returns. He looks at her.</p>
<p>“Excuse me?”</p>
<p>Rey laughs. “You might be a good cook, but you make terrible caf. Please just let me.” </p>
<p>He sighs. She clinks her cup against his. “Don’t sweat it, Solo. We can’t all be good at everything.” Rey laughs and walks away with her mug. </p>
<p>***********</p>
<p>After a few weeks, Rey’s sloppy, impromptu haircut is growing like weeds into her face. It’s painful to watch her try and cut it away. </p>
<p>“<i>Please</i> just let me,” Ben says. “It’s upsetting to watch.”</p>
<p>“Then don’t watch,” Rey snaps. Her gloved hands slip on the scissors, and she scratches her forehead. </p>
<p>He raises his eyebrows. </p>
<p>“Back off,” Rey snaps. “I don’t want your princess hair.”</p>
<p>“<i>Princess hair?</i>”</p>
<p>“You have princess hair! Don’t deny it!”</p>
<p>He looks down at  his own shoulder-length ponytail. “At least it’s not in my face.”</p>
<p>Rey rolls her eyes, and reaches up to cut again, instead cutting a significant amount of hair that <i>wasn’t</i> in her face. </p>
<p><i>“Fine.”</i> Rey shoves the scissors to him in frustration. He does his best to trim away her hair, shaking his head in disbelief at the mess she’s made of it.</p>
<p>********</p>
<p>Ben has left Rey with the Falcon for all of ten minutes, when he comes back to find her tinkering inside an open panel. </p>
<p>“Please don’t tear up my ships without asking,” he sighs.</p>
<p>“Leaking fuel valve. Fire hazard. Couldn’t wait,” Rey returns, pulling a pair of wire cutters out of her teeth. “This ship is a mess.”</p>
<p>“She’s a highly flyable mess, at least,” Ben says. “Still. Don’t open her up without telling me.”</p>
<p>“Aye aye, captain.”</p>
<p>Rey would be insufferable if she didn’t get all her work done so well. </p>
<p>********</p>
<p>It’s morning, and Ben hears Rey enter the kitchen. </p>
<p>“Good morning.”</p>
<p>“Morning. Damn, your hair is a mess.”</p>
<p>It’s down, but it could be worse. “This is nothing,” he tells her. “You should see it when I wake up.”</p>
<p>Rey snorts. “You wish.”</p>
<p>Ben rolls his eyes. </p>
<p>*********</p>
<p>These wires on the Falcon have been sputtering and sparking all day, and it’s maddening. You would need at least six hands to work properly in there. </p>
<p>“Hold this.” Ben hands a flashlight to Rey. Rey points it in the panel. </p>
<p>He tinkers for a few more minutes, before getting sprayed in the face by oil. He curses, and reaches up to wipe his face, only to find that his hands are just as filthy. </p>
<p>Rey hands him a towel, and he wipes off his face. “Let me have a try?”</p>
<p>It’s insane for Rey to think that <i>she</i> could figure this out. He’s been on this ship since he was an infant. </p>
<p>But he also needs a break, and Rey could use a lesson in pride. “Sure, take her away.”</p>
<p>Rey slides underneath the ship, holding the flashlight up into the space with the Force. </p>
<p><i>That doesn’t seem like a proper use of the Force,</i> he thinks. But Rey is always discharging the massive amounts of Force energy she has with little things like this, almost like fidgeting. </p>
<p>Within five minutes, Rey has the damage repaired. He regrets doubting her, and is a little angry that it was so easy for her. </p>
<p>“How’d you do it?”</p>
<p>Rey shrugs. “Just pushed stuff until something worked. First rule of mechanics.”</p>
<p>“First rule of getting yourself killed, more like.”</p>
<p>She rolls her eyes. “Just shut up and thank me.”</p>
<p>********</p>
<p>Rey never takes off her gloves. Ben sees her do it once, to wash them, but they’re water-wicking, so she doesn’t even wait for them to dry, just slides them back on after rubbing them down. And it seems wrong, to hold yourself in like this. </p>
<p>But that’s none of his business. </p>
<p>*******</p>
<p>It’s hot, and Ben is loading crates for shipping onto the Falcon. Ben carries them from the depot to Rey, who Force-lifts them into the hold. Still seems wrong to use the Force, but it makes Rey comfortable. </p>
<p>He’s sweating, even through his undershirt, and finally just takes it off. He turns around a moment later to see Rey gawking at him. </p>
<p>Ben smirks. “You staring at something?”</p>
<p>Rey quickly recovers her composure. “Just enjoying the view.”</p>
<p>Ben leaves her to her work. </p>
<p>*******</p>
<p>Ben has never been social. He’d had friends as a child, but rarely talked much. He’d never kept a co-pilot for more than a few weeks. </p>
<p>But Rey works. Because she pushes his button and gets in his space, but there’s something unspoken between them that keeps either one from going too far. Maybe it’s the bond between two Force-users, or between a pilot and mechanic, or between a quiet person and a talker. </p>
<p>And dammit, Rey is annoying and he could get mad at her. But it keeps them working, and that’s what they need.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feedback appreciated as always!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for the positive comments! Really enjoying writing this.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben has never been in love before. He’s crushed and flirted and kissed, but never felt like he was in <i>love</i>. </p>
<p>Of course, he’s been regaled with tales of his parents’ courtship, how they went from fighting and arguing, and eventually friends and companions, and fell in love. And that how he supposes it would be: slow eventual, going from strangers to friends to… something more. </p>
<p>He doesn’t think it would happen all at once, like a punch to the face. To feel next to nothing one day, and then consumed with these feelings the next. </p>
<p>But that’s exactly what Rey does to him, because one moment she is his annoying co-pilot, and the next he’s hopelessly, ridiculously in love with her, and he can’t tell how it happened. </p>
<p>He knows the exact second he falls in love with her. Because it’s so freaking <i>mundane</i>, and it doesn’t make any sense, and of course it’s branded on his memory forever. </p>
<p>They’ve made a refueling stop on a somewhat rural planet, and while Ben does maintenance, Rey goes into town to get food. He finishes just as she returns, her arms full. </p>
<p>“BEN!” she calls, waving something. She lobs it to him as she approaches. And she throws it <i>hard</i>, striking him squarely in the chest. </p>
<p>And in that second, when Rey throws on orange at him and grins at his surprised face, it hits him like a ton of bricks. </p>
<p><i>I’m in love with her.</i> </p>
<p>“What are you staring?” Rey laughed. “It’s just food.”</p>
<p>Ben composes himself for the moment, but inside he is a tumultuous sea of emotions. </p>
<p>And it’s kriffing <i>torture</i>, because Rey flirts and teases, and she will <i>always</i> be dangling those pretty little lips in front of his face, and she will <i>never</i> mean anything by it. </p>
<p>He wishes he could hate her, or argue with her, or anything to get away from him. But he can’t, because she’s perfect and beautiful, and maybe if he were more rational, he would talk to her, or talk to <i>someone</i> about it, but love is never rational, certainly not when it occupies the heart of Ben Solo. </p>
<p><i>You feel too much,</i> his mother had told him. It’s why she’d been afraid, so eager to send him to the Jedi temple, to learn to control himself</p>
<p><i>You’re too passionate. There is no peace with passion.</i> What, so the Jedi were just emotionless gargoyles? What kind of protector was that?</p>
<p><i>The Dark feeds off the force of your emotions.</i> Well, let it. He would rather be consumed by the darkness than to be like <i>them</i>. </p>
<p>And that’s why he’d run, or one of the reasons why. He had feared the darkness that called to him, but that hadn’t been enough to make him want to deny the Force. He still used it, still had his saber. </p>
<p>But he’s tried to live his life without passion. The life of a cargo pilot, always moving around, never staying long. Never had a co-pilot for long. Why, lord, <i>why</i> had he thought he could bring Rey without feeling <i>something?</i> Pity, and annoyance, and entertainment, they all should have been warnings. </p>
<p>And now love. </p>
<p>But despite all this, life with Rey continues to be alarmingly normal. She begs him to cut his hair when it gets too long, and he still does, although his fingers tingle to so much as brush her neck. </p>
<p>She still learns the Falcon, and asks Ben questions he doesn’t know the answer to, and she laughs it off, but now it makes him feel inadequate. </p>
<p>And Rey still wears her gloves, and hesitates to touch other people. And Ben despises them, despises how she demeans herself by her addiction to them. </p>
<p>“Don’t you ever want to take them off?” he asks her. <i>She’d be happier if she felt like she was in control.</i></p>
<p>She shakes her head. “I don’t know what would happen if I did.”</p>
<p>“Rey, it happened once. I’m sure you’re not in danger of hurting anyone, not when you’re anywhere close to something like that happening again.”</p>
<p>“Finn almost <i>died</i>, Ben. I got cast out of the Jedi temple. I was exiled. It’s too dangerous.”</p>
<p>He hears it, even though she does not say it. <i>I’m too dangerous</i>. And he longs to tell her that she is not, that she is perfect, but of course he can’t, couldn’t if he wanted to. So he tries to comfort her with disdain, an emotion he has mastered. “You aren’t missing much, leaving the Jedi.”</p>
<p>She cocks her head. “How d’you reckon?”</p>
<p>“I was a student too, you know that.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. But I assumed you just liked flying better.”</p>
<p>He snorts. “No. But when Luke sees something he doesn’t like in a student- the smallest shadow- he’s done. Sees a second Vader coming to life before him.”</p>
<p>She pauses. “If you were- then you have a saber, don’t you? Why do you only ever use a blaster?”</p>
<p>“You’ve got one too, why do you only use the staff?”</p>
<p>“Fair.” She pauses. “Can I see yours?”</p>
<p>“If you let me see yours.” </p>
<p>Rey suddenly looks uncomfortable. “It’s not- I haven’t shown <i>anyone</i>. There’s something wrong with it.” </p>
<p>“I’m sure there’s not. Mine’s plenty strange, too.”</p>
<p>She sighs. “Let’s see yours first. </p>
<p>He pulls it from his bag, the handle slightly curved, like a scimitar. Igniting it, the pure-white blade springs forth. Rey’s eyes widen. </p>
<p>“No way.”</p>
<p>He shrugs. “It’s not like it’s unique.”</p>
<p>“I <i>know</i>,” she says, and pulls out her own saber. It springs to life, a pure, silvery-white to match his own. </p>
<p>He snorts. “Bet my uncle loved that.”</p>
<p>“He said something about the Grey Jedi, who embraced the Dark as well as the Light,” Rey says. “He said they were dangerous.”</p>
<p>“You’re not dangerous.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for the comments! Please continue to enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>Rey and Finn spar in the woods with sticks, just as practice. It is all in good fun, no one will get hurt worse than a little scratch. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Finn presses Rey back with tension on her staff, but she is getting stronger. Finn might be older, has been here longer, but Rey is strong, and taps into that strength to push back. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>But Finn presses harder, and Rey’s determination fires up. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Then she loses control, and tendrils of blue electricity fire from her hands, along her staff, and to Finn, launching him backwards. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Finn!” she screams. “Are you OK?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He’s not moving. Rey begins to panic. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I’m sorry! It was an accident. Please answer me!”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Other students are beginning to gather. “Please get help!”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Then she looks up and sees Master Skywalker. He saw everything. And there is anger in his eyes, and Rey is scared. And she only knows one thing to do when she is scared. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>She runs. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>She runs like the wind, into the woods, away from everything she’s done. And even looking back, there was nothing irrational about. She had never seen such raw rage before. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>And she dives behind a rock, and buries her head against her arms, </i>
</p><p>
  <i>A dark cloud obscures her vision, chasing her.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>She screams.</i>
</p><p>“REY!” She is jolted from sleep by someone shouting her name. Ben stands in her doorway. It’s the middle of the night. </p><p>“Is everything alright?” He asks. “I heard screaming.”</p><p>“Just had a bad dream, is all,” she mutters. </p><p>“You want to talk about it?”</p><p>Rey gathers the blankets around herself. She hates how caring and attentive Ben has become. And it’s not even pity, like the other people who have treated her with kindness. He’s just <i>nice.</i> And she teases him to make herself feel better, and a little bit for the fun of it, and he just won’t stop being nice to her. </p><p>And it makes her hate him, because she can’t handle it. Except she can’t hate him, only appreciate him, and she wants to apologize, for making him deal with this, with <i>her</i>, and the only thing she feels right now is guilt. </p><p>But she doesn’t say any of that.</p><p>“I’m fine,” she manages. </p><p>“Was it about- when you left?” </p><p>He’s freaking psychic.</p><p>“Yeah,” she says, unwilling to lie. </p><p>He nods. “You alright, then? Try and get some more sleep.”</p><p>“G’night.”</p><p>He leaves her alone to her misery. They say misery loves company, but Rey’s seemed to enjoy festering alone. </p><p>She knows these feelings will be gone by morning, these weird dark swings will only dog her from time to time. She’ll be back to thinking Ben is just friendly, and she’ll be able to appreciate her life. But that doesn’t make them any less crushing or real in the moment. </p><p>She tightens her gloves, taking deep breaths to keep in control, trying to stop the crackling in her fingertips from starting while she’s vulnerable like this. </p><p>Eventually, her mind calms, and she goes back to sleep. </p><p>**********</p><p>She’ll never admit it, that anything’s ever wrong. Even when he coaxes, she answers in little more than monosyllables. </p><p>But she’s still all smiles in the daylight, no matter how restless he knows her sleep is.</p><p>She finds him plucking flowers, careful to preserve the petals. “You going to braid those into your hair?” she teases. </p><p>He shakes his head. “I like to study them. The different ones I find on different planets.”</p><p>“Are you actually a pilot or are you a very domestic scientist in disguise?”</p><p>“Just because I’m not a ruffian doesn’t mean I’m not a good pilot.”</p><p>“Ruffian,” she says. “That’s sure not you.” She reaches out and tousles his hair playfully. His cheeks burn. “That’s more like it.”</p><p>He runs his hands through his hair, brushing it out of his face. Rey studies the flower he’s holding. “It’s pretty,” she remarks. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”</p><p>“Me neither. I’m going to look it up.”</p><p>“So do you dry them, or…?”</p><p>Is she actually interested, or just humoring him? “Yeah, I dry them, label them by location and stuff.” </p><p>She nods. “Neat.”</p><p>That night, he finds a small dried flower- seemingly old, but remarkably well-preserved. It’s small, with red petals, one he’s never seen before. </p><p>There’s a small label attached. </p><p>
  <i>Common name: Nightblossom</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Scientific name: Unknown</i>
</p><p><i>Native to: Jakku</i> </p><p>And he falls even deeper in love with her. </p><p>*******</p><p>The engine is freaking out, as usual, and they complain together about how the ship is old and unreliable. </p><p>Han would never say anything against the ship, would have beat up anyone who did. Ben loves the Falcon in his own way, but he loves her despite and not with her flaws. So he’s all right with Rey- or anyone else- making fun. </p><p>She is squatting over a set of wires, trying to follow them, dropping them repeatedly. In frustration, she tears off her gloves and begins to work barehanded. He doesn’t immediately recognize the significance of this, that she’s secure, or too absorbed in something else to care about the gloves in the moment. </p><p>“I can’t get current to flow, but everything’s in place,” she shouts. “Can you come have a look?”</p><p>If Rey can’t figure it out, he doubts he can, but he walks over. “See, it should be- but it’s-” she gestures inside the workings. </p><p>Just then, a spark springs from her fingers, and they both leap back, waiting for something to explode, but it doesn’t. The engine seems to functioning again, like Rey’s lightning kickstarted it. </p><p>Rey looks down in horror at her hands, then yanks her gloves back on and storms off. </p><p>Ben chases after her. “Rey.”</p><p>She keeps running. </p><p>“Rey, calm down. There’s nothing wrong.”</p><p>She stops and turns around. “There is something wrong! I lost control, I swore I never would.”</p><p>“But <i>nothing happened</i>,” he insists. “You can learn to control. Use it for- other stuff.” </p><p>“I don’t want to. I just want to get rid of it.”</p><p>He shakes his head. “It’s a part of you. Every part of the Force is.”</p><p>He hadn’t been fully aware of walking up to her, but they are face to face now, Rey looking up, Ben looking down. </p><p>Then, to his surprise, she throws her arms around his neck. “Thank you,” she says. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>She has nothing to apologize for. Even if she did, he would forgive her anything So he holds her, holds her close, and lets fear fade away for a moment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I actually Googled something to see if Rey's flower had a name for the last chapter, are you proud of me? (You shouldn't be)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey sits cross-legged on the ground, breathing deeply to calm herself. Then, she opens her eyes, and slowly begins to tug off her gloves. </p><p>Her fingers are blistered from the heat of the electricity they’d discharged yesterday. They don’t hurt, but they make her uncomfortable. </p><p>She sets her palms on the ground in front of her, breathing deeply. It is like meditation, except she reaches into herself for control, rather than out into the Force. </p><p>
  <i>I think you should try to control it, not eliminate it. Just- feel it.</i>
</p><p>She feels the raw power, the Dark Force. It is held in tension, as if on a string before her. </p><p>She reaches toward it. </p><p>Instantly, something surges across her palms, breaking her concentration and forcing her eyes open. The contact with the dirt grounds the current, but her heart is pounding and her breath is short. </p><p>She pulls her gloves back on and walks away. </p><p>***********</p><p>Ben pretends that he isn’t watching her, pretends to be packing a bag, or reordering something. </p><p>But of course he’s watching her. He’s not afraid of what she’ll do, but of what she might blame herself for doing. </p><p>And it only lasts for a minute, whatever control or concentration she was trying. But a minute is good. It’s better than nothing. </p><p>Wherever they land now, she goes on long and meandering walks, and declines all company. Her unease, her anxiety, her jitteriness reach him. Some days she is fine, other days she is silent.</p><p>Ironic, how the one person who makes him wants to talk never says anything to him. </p><p>When Rey comes back, calmer and happier, the two prepare to go for a supply run. The marketplace in the village is small, but has what they need. </p><p>While Rey goes wandering off to look for mechanical tools, Ben stops at food stalls. Rey makes fun of him for always trying to find out what people eat locally, making fun of him for having his head in books- but it keeps him calm, the way the mechanics and exploring help her.</p><p>There are people he sometimes runs into on his trips- all the pilots have some of the same watering holes and the like. But he’s been avoiding some of these, not wanting anyone to know that he hadn’t conveyed Rey to Jakku- more for her sake than his own. </p><p>But it was only a matter of time, and who should be here but his childhood crush, Poe Dameron. </p><p>“Hey, Solo!” he calls across the crowd.</p><p>Ben nods and smiles, hoping Poe won’t stop to talk. Unfortunately, he pushes over to Ben and claps his shoulder. “Good to see you. Been awhile.”</p><p>Ben smiles. “Yeah, it has, how’re everyone?” They grew up together, have all the same family friends. </p><p>“I’ve been away from there almost as long as you have, actually,” Poe says. “But I’m heading back on my next flight, you?”</p><p>“Not sure.” He hurries to change the topic. “Who’s the bracelet for?” He points to the trinket in Poe’s hand. </p><p>“Oh!” Poe grins. “This is for Finn. You remember him?”</p><p>“Yeah, I do.” He’d met the student a few times. </p><p>“Yeah,” Poe said. “How about you? You still ‘flying solo’?”</p><p>He figures the barest amount of information is safest. “I’ve got a co-pilot now.”</p><p>“Good,” Poe nods. “And are you-”</p><p>He shakes his head. <i>If only.</i> “No, we’re-”</p><p>Unfortunately, at this moment Rey returns, bearing a small brown bag. “Ben!” she calls excitedly. She runs up to his side, then sees Poe. “Oh.”</p><p>“Rey?” Poe says. “I thought you were-”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not.” Rey cuts him off. She turns to Ben, no longer chipper. “Do you have everything? We should go.”</p><p>He’d rather not be in this situation much longer either. “Yeah, let’s head out. See you, Poe.” he nods a goodbye.</p><p>“Yeah,” Poe says, still looking a little stunned.</p><p>Rey drags Ben away quickly by the arm.</p><p>********</p><p>“Dammit,” she mutters as soon as they’re out of the village. <i>“Poe?”</i> She purses her lips. “Do you think he’ll tell anyone?”</p><p>“Probably,” Ben admits. “He said he was heading back to Coruscant.”</p><p>“Dammit.” She shakes her head. </p><p>“Hey,” Ben says, squeezing her shoulder. “Nothing’s going to happen. That’s all over. You’re a pilot now.”</p><p>She smiles up at him, a smile that sets fires in his chest. “Thanks.” She looks up at the darkening sky, stars and planets twinkling in it. “There’s so much out there,” she whispers. “I used to think I’d never see any of it. And I’ve seen so much, but still only a tiny bit.”</p><p>“What do you want to see?” he asks.</p><p>“I’ve already seen so much, I can’t begin to think what else that girl on Jakku would have asked for.”</p><p>“What did she want to see?”</p><p>“She wanted to see the stars.”</p><p>Ben looks down at Rey, rash promises on his tongue. “I’ll show you the stars.”</p><p>“Okay,” Rey laughs. </p><p>*********</p><p>He doesn’t often receive transmissions from home. So when he sees it, he immediately worries it’s about Rey. </p><p>But it’s not. It’s from his mother, telling him that his father is unwell, and that he should come home as soon as he can. </p><p>Ben and his father have had a rocky relationship- but he knows if his mother is calling it is serious, and starts preparing himself to return home. </p><p>“I-I have to go,” he tells Rey that night. “I have to go home for a little bit. It’s about my father.”</p><p>“Is everything all right?”</p><p>“He’s sick.” Ben doesn’t elaborate. </p><p>“Oh,” she says. </p><p>“I know some places where you can get some temporary mechanical work and a place to stay for a couple weeks,” he offers. “I can drop you there on the way to Coruscant. I’ll keep in touch,” he promises. </p><p>“Yeah,” Rey says. She sounds upset, though he can’t imagine why she’d be this sorry to lose him for a couple weeks, not with how nonchalant she is about their- everything. </p><p>He doesn’t know what else to say. Neither does she. She gets up to go to her room.</p><p>“‘Night, Ben.”</p><p>“G’night.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ben is so soft and in love you guys I can't even begin to express it. </p><p>I swear this will have a plot soon. </p><p>Feedback appreciated as always!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ben and Rey are on different planets and they pINE.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for all the nice comments!!!! These are definitely what keeps me going on these fics. </p>
<p>I don't feel comfortable in my ability to portray original trilogy characters well, except sometimes Luke, so they will not make many appearances. </p>
<p>Please enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Good-byes are awkward even under the best of circumstances. These are not the best of circumstances. </p>
<p>Rey is confused and scared. It’s strange to think that she will miss Ben- loneliness is nothing new to her, and he will of course come back. But she’s gotten used to having another person close, sometimes too close. </p>
<p>Ben is crushed. He can’t keep Rey with him, and can’t stay with her. But he hopes the separation might be good for him, help him to clear his head, to stop obsessing over her. But his impending departure only makes him think of her more. </p>
<p>“See you soon, I guess,” Rey says, making a weak attempt at being casual. “I hope your father-” she falters. </p>
<p>“Yeah. Thanks. Me too.” He can scarcely get an intelligent word out. “Stay safe.”</p>
<p>“Thanks. You too.” </p>
<p>They look at each other for a moment, uncertain how to continue. Rey extends a gloved hand. He grabs it, and hesitates a moment before pulling her into a hug. She accepts it, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. </p>
<p>He wants to say something more, to say some <i>fraction</i> of what she means to him. <i>I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ll miss you. I love you.</i></p>
<p>“Stay in touch,” is all he can manage. </p>
<p>“Yeah. Definitely.”</p>
<p>So their departure is awkward, and uneventful, and ultimately changes nothing, except their acute awareness of each other. </p>
<p>*********</p>
<p>Soon after Ben reaches Coruscant, it’s clear that his father’s illness isn’t as serious as they’d once believed it to be. But he will stay there at least another two weeks, with his family. Missing Rey. </p>
<p>His first choppy call to her, using the old droids in their home, is refreshing if tense.</p>
<p>“Is this working?” </p>
<p>“Shouting won’t help, Ben,” Rey chides. “Yes, it’s working. Can you see me? Hear me?”</p>
<p>“Yes, loud and clear. Well, not really loud. A little choppy. But yeah, you’re good.”</p>
<p>Rey rolls her eyes. “To the point. OK. How’re you doing?”</p>
<p>“All right.”</p>
<p>“Your dad?”</p>
<p>“He’s better. Much better, actually. I’ll still be gone another two weeks, though.”</p>
<p>“Glad to hear it. I mean, not that you’ll be gone. But- you know.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, no, I didn’t- I mean- How are you?”</p>
<p>“Fine. Fine. Good.”</p>
<p>“Good. The work’s good?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Uneventful, mostly easy stuff. Not really much to say about it.” She shrugs. </p>
<p>It’s silent for some time, neither knowing how to continue, proper call etiquette, or how to address their conflicted feelings.</p>
<p>Rey breaks the silence. “Has anyone said anything- about me?”</p>
<p>“No,” he tells her. “No one’s mentioned anything, even Poe. But, um, I haven’t spoken much to my uncle yet.”</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>“But I wouldn’t worry,” he adds quickly. “I mean- none of this can affect you anymore.” It’s meant to be comforting, but he worries he sounds cold. </p>
<p>“Yeah.” She tugs uncomfortably at her gloves. “Um, I should go. Talk soon?” </p>
<p>“Yeah, definitely. Bye.”</p>
<p>“Bye.”</p>
<p>Ben cuts off the call, and sits in silence for a few moments. He curses his own ineloquence and hesitation, his own ridiculous feelings and infatuation. </p>
<p>Infatuation. He wishes he could just call it that, something childish that will pass. But it’s not. He’s attached to Rey, cares for her, is drawn to her. </p>
<p>
  <i>You’re too passionate.</i>
</p>
<p>He runs his hands through his hair. He just wants to see her again. The very sight of her is enough, not even reciprocation, just <i>her</i>. </p>
<p>*******</p>
<p>It’s a few more days before he sees Luke, but their conversation immediately goes downhill. </p>
<p>“Poe told us you have a new co-pilot,” Luke remarks. </p>
<p>Ben is immediately guarded. “I do.”</p>
<p>“I’ll abandon the pretense. What’s Rey doing with you?”</p>
<p>“I found I didn’t have it in me to exile an innocent girl to a hostile dessert,” Ben says icily. </p>
<p>“Ben, I didn’t want to have to do it either.”</p>
<p>“But you didn’t hesitate when you felt like you ‘had to’. The same way you didn’t hesitate to stop training me when you thought I was too dark, too ‘passionate’. It seems like you only believe in redemption if they’re about to <i>die</i>.”</p>
<p>“I did what I thought was best for you. Same with Rey.”</p>
<p>“If you think Rey is a- a Palpatine. It would have been better to keep her around, to train her, teach her how to control it. Fear, hate, anger- all those will only drive her to the dark side, exactly where he would have wanted her.”</p>
<p>“She doesn’t just remind me of him,” Luke replies.</p>
<p>“Then who?” Ben demands. </p>
<p>Luke does not respond. </p>
<p>“Take her back,” Ben demands. “She’s sad; she’s lonely; she’s miserable. She needs help.”</p>
<p>“I can’t take her back, not after sending her away.”</p>
<p>
  <i>“She needs someone.”</i>
</p>
<p>“Then maybe you should help her. You seem to care about her enough.” Luke says. He doesn’t sound sarcastic. </p>
<p>“I thought my <i>passion</i> was too dangerous,” he growls in return. </p>
<p>“Caring about people isn’t wrong.”</p>
<p>Ben stands up, frustrated and disgusted. “You know what? I thought you could help Rey. But she needs someone who isn’t a complete <i>sociopath</i>, someone who can actually look her in the eyes and <i>feel</i> anything.” He storms out. </p>
<p>It’s a relief, to leave. </p>
<p>*********</p>
<p>Rey is lonely. Much as she had hoped to be able to return to solitude, you get used to having friends far too quickly. </p>
<p>It’s not like there are no people- but they are employers, who just give her orders and money, or storekeepers, with whom she exchanges little more than nods and pleasantries. Ben doesn’t communicate much, he says he has little to say. She says the same. Which is ridiculous, because when they’re together, they can talk for hours of the most inconsequential things. </p>
<p>Distance is the stupidest thing. </p>
<p>She notices everything she misses about him. Someone who laughs at her jokes, even- especially- the bad ones. His cooking, of course. Someone to tell her she’s valuable, someone to wake her up from her nightmares. Someone to worry about her a little. The loneliness is torture, and she needs her friend back. </p>
<p>Rey is blissfully unaware of Ben’s feelings for her- she does not need such complications in her life. His devotion as a friend is enough, is wonderful, for her. </p>
<p>Her devotion as <i>a friend</i> is torture to him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Phone calls and unrequited love are both torture no matter what galaxy you live in.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for all the positive feedback on the last chapter! Prepare for some angsty chapters to come.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey wipes sweat from her forehead, replacing it with the grease on the back of her hands. She twists the pliers one last time, hearing a <i>click</i> that assures her everything is in place. She tips her head back, hearing her neck crack from hunching for so long. Setting the repaired part into place, she leaves for the day. </p>
<p>It’s already late evening, and the sun is setting on the urban-industrial planet Ben left her on. The smog is choking after accustoming herself to the dry air of Jakku, and later the fresh air of Coruscant. At least this is her last day here; Ben said to expect him there tomorrow. </p>
<p>Rey stops to grab a bite as she returns tiredly to her lodging- renting a bedroom from some contact of Ben’s. </p>
<p>“That’s not what I’d pick,” says a voice behind her as she reaches for a fruit. She whips around, crashing almost directly into Ben’s tall frame. </p>
<p>“Ben!” She shouts. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?” She punches his shoulder. </p>
<p>He flushes. “I wanted to surprise you. I wasn’t even sure if I would run into you tonight.” </p>
<p>Rey pulls him into a hug. “It’s good to see you.”</p>
<p>Talking is easier face-to-face, as it always is. “I missed you.”</p>
<p>Rey feels her face flush, and is glad it is hidden. “Yeah,” she mutters clumsily, pulling away. </p>
<p>A few minutes later, they are sitting in the corner of a tavern together, catching up. He’s never talkative, of course, but for once Rey doesn’t feel like she has a lot to say either. She is unwilling to admit that she never took her gloves off once while he was gone- not trusting her ability for self-control. </p>
<p>Ben moves his glass in circles on the table. Finally he speaks: “I talked to my uncle.”</p>
<p>Rey’s heart leaps into his throat. This is exactly what she was afraid of. </p>
<p>“He asked me why I was flying with you.” He purses his lips. “I asked him to take you back. To the Temple.”</p>
<p>Rey is flummoxed, and a little angry. “You what?”</p>
<p>“I just want you to be happy, Rey,” he says. “And I want you to learn how to control your power. I think that’s what will bring you peace.”</p>
<p>“You said that what happened at the Temple- him- none of that could affect me anymore,” Rey snaps. “And now you tell me you tried to send me back?”</p>
<p>Ben looks like he’s only just been hit by this realization. “It can’t affect you anymore if you don’t want it to. But if you want help-”</p>
<p>“<i>That</i> won’t help. Why do you think they got rid of me?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Rey, I’m sorry,” he pleads. “I only wanted to-”</p>
<p>“To <i>help</i>? Yeah. Everyone keeps telling me that. For some reason I’m not feeling helped.” She pushes her chair away from the table and storms away. </p>
<p>******</p>
<p>“Rey,” he calls after her, running down the street. “Rey, talk to me.” </p>
<p>Rey is fast, and Ben is almost running to catch up with her. He would give her time to cool down- that’s certainly what she needs- but he doesn’t want her to get lost and angry on a strange planet. </p>
<p>“Leave me alone.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Rey. I know that doesn’t really sound like anything-” he sighed. “I don’t care if you get mad at me- I probably deserve it- or need to be alone. But at least talk to me,” he pleads. </p>
<p>Rey turns around. “Fine. But you’d better have a good explanation.”</p>
<p>They find a place to sit down. “I can’t excuse myself for trying to send you back. Especially when you didn’t want that. But after I spoke to Luke- after I saw he was so bent on you being untrainable- I saw what it must have been like for you, training there. Getting sent away. I came back as quickly as I could after that so I could talk to you.”</p>
<p><i>“That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to you,”</i> Rey sighed. “He thinks I’m untrainable, evil. I could never go back.”</p>
<p>He takes a risk- reaches for her hand, hoping the contact is comforting. She doesn’t pull away. “I see that now. I’m sorry I doubted you. There’s no way I’d ever leave you now.”<br/>
“I don’t want to feel left behind again,” Rey whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. </p>
<p>“I promised you I’d show you the stars,” he says. </p>
<p>They are looking each other in the eye, distractingly close. He wants to kiss her. He <i>could</i> kiss her. They are frozen, staring at each other. </p>
<p>Ben looks away, unable to stand it anymore. Rey drops her hand into his, looking at the ground. He flushes, and they both walk back to their lodgings, hands still clasped. </p>
<p>**********</p>
<p>“I don’t exactly know what I’m doing,” he begins, “But- I’m not sure anyone does? I could help you. If you wanted,” he offers. “With- control.”</p>
<p>She is not happy to talk about it, but recognizes the necessity. “I just don’t want to put you in harm’s way.”</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t.” What way is there for him to express the impossibility of her ever hurting him, in any way, ever?</p>
<p>“I just want it all to go away,” she sighs. “The dreams, the fear, everything.”</p>
<p>She rolls over in her cot to face the wall. </p>
<p>“They will. Someday.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t mention the dreams and fears he was once haunted by, only that they end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Kudos and comments always appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! I've been suffering from writer's block on this fic for a few days but my abilities came back today so here you go! Very heavy angst.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s always nice to assume things are going to get better. To imagine they can be the way they were. To try to go back. </p>
<p>But if you’re driving yourself into begging them to get better, then they are definitely getting worse. They are getting much worse. </p>
<p>Rey tries to go back to the way things were. To her and Ben, galavanting across the galaxy without a care, letting problems bounce off the surface. But it can’t be like that; she is falling apart inside and he is different and silent around her. Before she’d always been the one to start a conversation, now there is none. </p>
<p>Just loneliness. </p>
<p>And emptiness. </p>
<p>And nightmares. </p>
<p>The <i>nightmares</i>. She now knows what it means to be “scared of your own shadow”. Nothing gives her peace. Sometimes she is lying, alone and naked and cold in a desert at night- but no dessert she’s ever seen before. Sometimes she is falling backwards into a thick, cloaking abyss. </p>
<p>But sometimes she is watching, and somehow that is worse. She watches, as a planet burns, and knows that she is the one who set it aflame. She is blind, and hears screams drift farther and farther away from her. </p>
<p>The least horrifying of the dreams, the ones she is <i>eager</i> to see for their comfort, almost make her laugh. Because comparatively they should be terrifying. But she knows they’re <i>real</i>, that they’ve come and gone and will leave her. Men and women, fighting and killing and dying. Some are war heroes, which she knows. Others are mysteries. </p>
<p>Two specific men keep resurfacing, talking, fighting, seeming as if to address her. An emperor and a Jedi. </p>
<p>She flees from sleep, working herself to exhaustion in the hope of making the dreams less poignant. Sometimes it works. </p>
<p>And through it all, Ben, her friend and confidante, says nothing. And she says nothing to him. And it’s equilibrium and silent and weirdly respectful, but horrible. Absolutely horrible. </p>
<p>*********</p>
<p>Distance. Respect. Time. He wants to give her these things. But as soon as he starts, she becomes distant, almost reclusive. Working herself past exhaustion and then collapsing sleeplessly in her room. He knows it’s sleepless, because he can hear her whispering, pacing, crying. And then he wants to go and comfort her, but doesn’t want to crowd her. </p>
<p>He’s beating himself up, he knows. Because he can’t help her, and he feels he has failed her. Because he knows what it’s like to feel called by the darkness and doesn’t want to drag her in. Because he’s desperate and confused and dammit, he’s <i>passionate</i>. Maybe passion will be his downfall. </p>
<p>But silence is unsustainable for both of them. Rey in her loneliness, Ben in the strength of his feelings. </p>
<p>It’s night, and she’s curled on the floor of her room, shaking without crying, scared to make a noise that might frighten herself. </p>
<p>He can feel her loneliness on the air, like it’s a part of him, and can’t stand it any longer. He goes to her, gently pushes her door, speaks to her in the softest of tones. </p>
<p>“Is something wrong?”</p>
<p>“Please, just leave.”</p>
<p>“Talk to me,” he pleads. “I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I haven’t known what to say.”</p>
<p>“Say something. If you’re sorry, talk to me. I don’t want to.”</p>
<p>He knows this guardedness, where you put up a shell because you’re soft and fragile underneath and will fall to pieces if it’s pulled aside. </p>
<p>“What do you want me to say?”</p>
<p>“Anything,” she breathes in a desperate whisper. </p>
<p>He pauses. What can he say? </p>
<p>Something he could talk about forever so she won’t have to hide in the silence. </p>
<p>The stars. </p>
<p>“Do you know how many systems there are?” he asks. She shakes her head. “Me neither. I’m not sure anyone does. They just keep going and <i>going</i>. An infinity of possibilities. Billions upon billions of creatures and civilizations and who knows what else. And we aren’t even the only galaxy out there. Who knows how many others. Maybe not even the only Universe.”</p>
<p>Rey’s breathing begins to slow down. “And yet we’re here.”</p>
<p>In a strange way, he knows exactly what she means. “Yes. We’re here. And we have our lives and our hopes and dreams and nothing can take that from us.” He sits down next to her, testing her boundaries. “Amid all the hundreds of thousands of millions of billions of trillions of <i>everything</i> there is, we found each other. That means something.”</p>
<p>Rey reaches an <i>ungloved</i> hand towards him, craving his warmth and comfort and presence. He scoots closer and puts an arm around her. “It means everything,” she whispers. “To me.”</p>
<p>“You mean everything to me,” he whispers against her ear, as close as he’s ever been to her. But it’s not anxious or strange. It’s beautiful and natural. </p>
<p>She covers his hand with her own. There is a moment of fragile, safe peace between them, a warmth alien to both. Too alien. </p>
<p>Rey knows what is going to happen a second before it does. She can only whisper a warning of “Ben,” not even enough to tell him, before electricity crackles around them, races up his arm, and she flings herself  to the ground and tries to drown out his shout. </p>
<p>And then it’s over. They’re panting on opposite ends of the room, and Rey is staring in horror at her hands, blisters rising at the tips of her fingers. Ben looks down in confusion and pain at the burn on his arm. </p>
<p>And Rey runs. She takes her bag, gets off the ship, and runs. Alone at night on a strange planet not caring, hating herself, feeling filthy and disgusting and undeserving and desperate. </p>
<p>She runs until she can’t walk or see or breathe or hear, collapsing against something that feels soft, thoughts and feelings swimming in confusion before her eyes, a dull ache in her chest permeating her brokenness of soul, her ironic wholeness of body.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm on mandatory "shelter-in-place" for COVID, so y'all's comments are keeping me sane. The support is so wonderful and much appreciated &lt;3. </p>
<p>Update hopefully in the next two days!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! This chapter is getting out later than I was expecting due to unforeseen circumstances (aka my piano teacher giving me a ton of quarantine homework). But here it is!<br/>I was an online student before COVID-19, so my academic schedule hasn't really been disrupted, and I have some deadlines coming up, so expect updates to slow. Also, I'm having a little writer's block on this fic, and am working on a fic for my best friend's birthday, but I'll try to keep updating at least once a week! Just be patient :)</p>
<p>So this fic has taken a bit of a darker turn, and I would like to warn for this chapter, that it contains themes of suicide and self-harm, please use discretion when continuing</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If you skipped the notes: TW in this chapter for themes of suicide/self-harm</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The pain in his arm nearly blinds him for a moment, a single thought crosses his mind. <i>If this is what Rey holds in all day, I don’t know how she does.</i></p>
<p>When the pain subsides, Rey is gone, open doors flapping in her wake. He does not have time to stop to gauge the severity of his wounds- he soaks a scarf in cold war and wraps it around his forearm. He rushes out after her, following a trail of trampled grass and plants, praying it was left by her. </p>
<p>He is nervous, scared for Rey. He is saddened by Rey’s misery. He is angered by the way Rey has been treated, with no one to comfort her, no one she can turn to. </p>
<p>Angered is too mild a word. He is furious. </p>
<p><i>Passionate</i>. </p>
<p>He can feel her Force Signature, and relief settles in him as the air is flooded with the thought of her, followed immediately by panic as her feelings become evident, a sense of fear like that of a wounded animal, bleeding out alone. </p>
<p>Thorns and grasses rise around him, going up to his knees, tearing at his clothes. Did Rey really drag herself into this patch of brambles? But her trail remains, and he continues to follow it. </p>
<p>He expects to hear something as he draws closer. Sobbing. Heavy breathing. Anything to let him know she’s there. But the oppressive silence is somehow worse. </p>
<p>And his relief only lasts a second upon seeing her, standing slumped against a leafless tree, holding something in her now-gloved hands, staring at it intently, turning it over. </p>
<p>A blaster. It’s a blaster. She’s holding it, and staring at it, and touching it, and worrying it in her palms. And there’s a look in her eyes; Ben has been many places and met many people and seen many looks in many people’s eyes. And he recognizes this one, though less severe than others of the like he’s seen. But he sees it. He knows. And he doesn’t like it. </p>
<p>“Rey!” He calls desperately to reach out to her, get her out of the prison of her own head, call her out of the deep darkness she’s fallen into. </p>
<p>She looks up at him, eyes wide and grateful. The hand with the blaster falls, thankfully, to her side. “Ben,” she gasps. “I- I-” She falters on her words, stumbling for thought and breath. Silently, he bridges the gap between them, wrapping her in his arms, sliding the blaster out of her hand and clipping it to his belt. She buries her face in his shirt, no tears, no words, only an oppressive silence. </p>
<p>“It’s all right,” he whispers. “You’re all right. You’re fine, Rey.”</p>
<p>She weakly laces her hands behind his neck, leaning into him. He holds her in the embrace for some time, letting the brambles whistle in the wind around them, nipping at their feet. Finally, he takes her up in his arms, carrying her like a bride, back to the ship. </p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she whispers to him. “I’m sorry you had to have me.” </p>
<p>“I’ll never be sorry to have you near me,” he whispered. “No matter what.”</p>
<p>He makes it to the ship and lowers her gently into her bed. She clutches his arm as he stands up. “Don’t leave me,” she murmurs. He lowers himself into the bed next to her, wrapping his arm around her at first hesitantly, then protectively, as if to shelter her from the cruelties of fate. </p>
<p>************</p>
<p>Rey wakes up in Ben’s arms, holding still for a time, focusing on her breath and recalling the previous day’s events. </p>
<p>At some point, he bandaged his arm, and put some sort of balm on it. The guilt, of hurting someone she deeply loved- one way or another, she had come to love him, no matter what he felt about her now- washes over her, hardening into the same old dull ache in her chest. </p>
<p>She thinks of how he’d found her last night, stirring in her own darkness. </p>
<p>She hadn’t been anywhere close to losing herself to the darkness. But the thought of it, of ending the noise, of this twisted form of peace had entered her mind. In the light of day, she sees the foolish desperation of these thoughts. She’d seen them at the time, really. </p>
<p>But she’d been thinking of it, and the blaster had been a prop to entertain these thoughts, and she’d definitely been closer than was healthy. Running through the thistles because they stung her ankles, made her feel, the bleeding cuts stinging her body the same way her mind stung. </p>
<p>He stirs beside her, and she holds still so he will leave her. But he doesn’t, staying there with her, waiting for her to wake up so she will not be alone. </p>
<p>His damn courtesy. </p>
<p>Dare she hope it’s love as well? </p>
<p>He notices that she’s awake, and sits up. They’re on top of the sheets and still in their clothes. </p>
<p>“Are you all right?” he asks, his voice gentle. Whatever anger she felt from him, it never came out in his voice. Always calm, always caring, always gentle. </p>
<p>“I- I will be,” she said. There’s no way to express with words what she is feeling now. She wishes she could take his hand and show him the turbulence inside her head. But she feels he understands, that this battle with himself is one he has all ready fought. Whether or not he won, though- in his silence and self-imposed exile- this she wonders about. “Thank you,” she settles on, “For taking care of me.” It does not even scratch the surface of what she meant to say, yet something in her tone seems to convey the message. </p>
<p>“I understand,” is all he responds. “Promise me you’ll never scare me like that again.”</p>
<p>“Scare you?”</p>
<p>“The thought of you being hurt- of being unable to help you- it terrifies me.” They are sitting up now, his hand covering hers between them. </p>
<p><i>But that’s what I feel about you. And I have hurt you,</i> she thinks. </p>
<p>“You could never hurt me,” he replies. </p>
<p>Replies? Did she say that out loud? Or did he hear her thoughts, the way she hears his feelings? </p>
<p>The tenderness that lingers upon the air dissipates as he stands. She watches him walk to the door, slowly gathering herself. </p>
<p>“Ben,” she called as he walked towards the door. “Do you love me?”</p>
<p>He freezes, faces her. </p>
<p>“At first I thought you pitied me. But you teased me back, and we were friends; normal friends.</p>
<p>“Then I thought you felt you had a duty to me. To make people’s life better. Like it was guilt, or obligation.</p>
<p>“But it wasn’t that either. But there’s nothing I could give that you couldn’t just as easily find yourself, nothing special I’m doing for you that isn’t outweighed by the trouble I’m causing you. </p>
<p>“You act like you care about me. In a selfless, kind way. Whatever else happens. This is what I always imagined it would be like to be loved. </p>
<p>“Do you love me?”</p>
<p>She wasn’t aware of having moved towards him, but here she was. </p>
<p>“Is this what it’s like to be loved?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he said. He clasped her hand and pressed it to his lips. “This is what it’s like to be loved.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feedback appreciated as always!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for being so kind and supportive as I've journeyed through this fic. It's been pure pleasure to write with all of your support. I'm sorry if it feels like I'm ending abruptly, but I'm out of ideas for this plot, and I'm ready to give these two sweethearts a happy ending. Thank you so much, and please have a look at some of my other Reylo fics.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A week. </p>
<p>That’s how long it takes Rey to get over flitting about in anxiousness and uncertainty of what to say. How to respond to a confession of love that she wants- yet can’t find a way- to return. It’s ironic, really, how she’s gone from being the one who talks and Ben being the one who is silent, to him being the one who knows what to say, and Rey being the one who is dour and quiet. </p>
<p>He smiles when he catches her eye, doesn’t let her see his loneliness, for her sake. </p>
<p>She leaves him alone, doesn’t want to oppress him with her neediness, for his sake. </p>
<p>But thank goodness, they only spend a week in this awkward sidestep, before they accept their need for each other. Rey’s need for comfort as she struggles to find herself. Ben’s need for someone <i>to</i> comfort, having all ready fought his own personal battles and needing to make them feel worth something. </p>
<p>And Rey sees his loneliness, and for once, she goes to him, and she helps him. Not as repayment. Not so that they’re even. Because she wants to. Because it’s a way to tell him what he means to her.</p>
<p>So when she sees him, sitting outside with a book, she comes up and kneels behind him, puts a ribbon on the page he’s reading, and closes it. </p>
<p>He looks up at her; she combs his hair back with her fingers and presses a kiss to his forehead. It feels right. </p>
<p>They don’t say anything for a while, she just holds him against her shoulder and keeps her nose pressed in his hair. </p>
<p>“Can we stay like this?” Rey asks. </p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“Like we were. Not worrying about who we were or who we’d be. Just living. Moving.”</p>
<p>“Was that peaceful?”</p>
<p>She shifts so that they’re facing each other. “It can be more.”</p>
<p>He cups her cheek in his hand, what he’s long dreamed of doing. Pulls her closer and presses a kiss against her dry lips. The soft sigh she gives against his lips is worth all the waiting for this moment. He pulls away, then presses another kiss to the tip of her nos. To her forehead. To her cheek. </p>
<p>“It took me far too long to fall in love with you, Ben Solo,” she murmurs. </p>
<p>He laughs. “Not me.” He runs his hand through her hair so that it rests on the back of her head. <br/>“Do you know how long I’ve been in love with you, Rey?”</p>
<p>“Tell me.”</p>
<p>“Weeks. Months. I remember the exact moment I fell for you.” He kisses her nose again. “You were coming back to the ship. You threw an orange at me. And then I fell in love with you.”</p>
<p>“I threw an orange at you.”</p>
<p>“Yes, you did. And then in exchange, you stole my heart.” </p>
<p>“That doesn’t seem like a fair exchange. </p>
<p>“Would you like your orange back?”</p>
<p>Rey laughs, finally carefree and happy. She leans into his lap, watching the sunset from her comfortable seat.</p>
<p>She wants to live like this forever, just her and Ben, happy and together and anywhere in the galaxy. No twists of fate throwing them around. Just being madly in love with this man.</p>
<p>He holds Rey like she’s the only thing in the galaxy. Because to him, she is. There is nothing else out there in the world that makes him feel complete and valid the way she does. She is his everything. </p>
<p>“We can forget,” he whispers to her. </p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Fate. Who we’re supposed to be. Just be who we want to be. I think we’ve earned it.”</p>
<p>The Force has saved her and hurt her, rescued her and abandoned her. Playing with it is a game of chance she no longer wants to play. It’s better to just let it exist, guide her when it does, leave her when it doesn’t. This, she realizes, is her control, her peace. </p>
<p>“I love you,” Rey whispers peacefully. </p>
<p>And he squeezes her hand instead of saying it in return, but she hears it nonetheless. They’re back to how they were. She talks. He listens. He doesn’t have to talk for her to be able to listen. Silence is comforting and so are words. They need both for either one to be meaningful. </p>
<p>“What now?” Rey wonders allowed. </p>
<p>“I’ve got so much left to show you, love,” he replies. </p>
<p>“Of course,” Rey agrees. “You agreed to show me.”</p>
<p>“Show you what?” he whispers as he kisses her ear.</p>
<p>“The stars.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You guys are seriously the best, I hope you enjoyed this &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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